Monday, March 5, 2012

every new beginning is a merging of holding on and letting go...

I am intrigued by those moments in life which help define who we are and where we are going.  Sometimes these moments are recognizable as the very tiny and subtle events which only make little ripples or waves within our consciousness, while other experiences can be as obvious as a tree branch falling on our head.   The end of 2011, along with the lessons I have learned throughout this last semester,  have been much like a branch falling on my head moment for me.  I sit here today, with a ice pack on my head ;) and writing this blog fully aware I am not the same person I was just a year ago…and it is ok with me. 

In retrospect, I recognize that I began this blog as a way to explore and present the development of my ideas and concerns during a time in my life when it was needed.   I was trying to find my niche within the LDS community, while at the same time, personally expanding my worldview through the use of a feminist lens.  My excitement of finding my voice as a woman was not able to be contained; I have and will continue to devour the lessons which are taught to me within and outside the classroom setting.
My most recent life changing moment occurred through the use of the phrase “cum-guzzling demon slut.”   These words will forever serve as a reminder of that moment when I knew that there was no going back and I was no longer the girl I knew a couple years ago.  I had to say these words as I tore her clothes off, she was naked and crying, I was uncomfortable – it was being done to prove a point and there was no going back.  Art…performance…pain…healing….these are the words that swirl around my head as I try to grasp what it was like to be part of a group project in my feminist theatre class.  We created something ugly and uncomfortable which resulted in something beautiful and emotional. 
We created a spark which ignited a chain reaction of change…within ourselves and within our audience. 
Part of this wave of change makes me feel that I am no longer able to claim the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as my religion – I truly wanted to keep my blinders on and live the good life – but, I can no longer do this.  I cannot live as two separate people and deny the person inside me the freedom to be who she needs to be.  A feminist, a  mother, a lesbian, an activist, and a person who truly loathes the use of labels…I use these words fully aware we live in a society which is comforted by the use of these words which try to define us or that we use to define ourselves.
Whatever words I choose to use it doesn’t really matter – I just know that how I see myself fitting into this world has changed and will go on changing  as I continue to keep myself open to learning and experiencing the world around me.