Sunday, June 29, 2014

Please let me be...just me.

A pretty little package is something I am not.  No bows or ribbons or patterned bits of paper define who I am or what I am supposed to be. Not a box or other wrappings can contain who I am or what I believe.  What you see inside me is the movement of something always growing and evolving. For who I was when I began to write these not the same as when I have written in the end.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Losing my Religion

    My reaction to this recent video uploaded to Youtube is completely visceral and done with feelings of fear, sadness, and frustration. It completely bothers me that I am living in a nation where people believe it is acceptable for a man to stand on a pulpit and spew such hateful rhetoric under the guise of preaching the word of god. No person should be allowed to poison the mind of another, especially if it is done with such hate and violence.

    It is sad that we protect people like this preacher under the ideology of “freedom of speech” and “freedom of religion”. But, what has happened to our human right for the pursuit of happiness for all wo/mankind? With church leaders speaking like this, I begin to wonder who are the real terrorists of our country? How can we allow these individuals who are in the position of spiritually uplifting others to use the power of the church, to promote the idea of torturing and killing off a population of people?  What this man is preaching is absolutely no different than what Hitler did as he was building-up the Third Reich and sending people to concentration camps to face torture and death.

Shame on you, Pastor Charles L. Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church! I hope you end-up on the FBI terrorist watch list!

Monday, March 5, 2012

every new beginning is a merging of holding on and letting go...

I am intrigued by those moments in life which help define who we are and where we are going.  Sometimes these moments are recognizable as the very tiny and subtle events which only make little ripples or waves within our consciousness, while other experiences can be as obvious as a tree branch falling on our head.   The end of 2011, along with the lessons I have learned throughout this last semester,  have been much like a branch falling on my head moment for me.  I sit here today, with a ice pack on my head ;) and writing this blog fully aware I am not the same person I was just a year ago…and it is ok with me. 

In retrospect, I recognize that I began this blog as a way to explore and present the development of my ideas and concerns during a time in my life when it was needed.   I was trying to find my niche within the LDS community, while at the same time, personally expanding my worldview through the use of a feminist lens.  My excitement of finding my voice as a woman was not able to be contained; I have and will continue to devour the lessons which are taught to me within and outside the classroom setting.
My most recent life changing moment occurred through the use of the phrase “cum-guzzling demon slut.”   These words will forever serve as a reminder of that moment when I knew that there was no going back and I was no longer the girl I knew a couple years ago.  I had to say these words as I tore her clothes off, she was naked and crying, I was uncomfortable – it was being done to prove a point and there was no going back.  Art…performance…pain…healing….these are the words that swirl around my head as I try to grasp what it was like to be part of a group project in my feminist theatre class.  We created something ugly and uncomfortable which resulted in something beautiful and emotional. 
We created a spark which ignited a chain reaction of change…within ourselves and within our audience. 
Part of this wave of change makes me feel that I am no longer able to claim the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as my religion – I truly wanted to keep my blinders on and live the good life – but, I can no longer do this.  I cannot live as two separate people and deny the person inside me the freedom to be who she needs to be.  A feminist, a  mother, a lesbian, an activist, and a person who truly loathes the use of labels…I use these words fully aware we live in a society which is comforted by the use of these words which try to define us or that we use to define ourselves.
Whatever words I choose to use it doesn’t really matter – I just know that how I see myself fitting into this world has changed and will go on changing  as I continue to keep myself open to learning and experiencing the world around me.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Raising My Voice in the Spirit of Occupy Wall Street!

As you may or may not have noticed (depending on your chosen news source) we are in the middle of a change and at this point there is no concise definition or the added security of a clear goal which we can comfortably grasp onto once we assume we have reached the “end” of this transformation.  Without a clear beginning or end – how can we even start to know what to think whilst in the middle of this (r)evolution?  
This is where I challenge you!
This is an incredible opportunity to be in a place and time in history where we can pause to watch what is happening and hopefully learn from what we see.  Today I was happy to spot an insightful comment on Twitter where this individual wrote, “Lots of different agendas appearing in Occupy Wall Street but it is simply: people before profits, community before corporates.”   What this person wrote is so true! 

During these last two weeks, as I have watched the crowds grow and hear the voices of the people as they rise-up and continue to get louder across our great nation, I am also witnessing the confusion of friends and family whom cannot grasp the idea of what Occupy Wall Street is about.  They spend their time creating a list of grievances regarding the numerous issues they have with the policies of our nation- but, sadly they do not feel empowered enough or that their problems are actually worth taking into the streets.  Watching these events unfold has made me start to wonder, have we become a civilization of people who feel discomfort unless we are told what to do or spoon fed the information which tells us what to think? 

By living without clear definitions or labels people are becoming uncomfortable. 
Without the ability to neatly tuck our ideas into a little box and then tidily place them upon a shelf, people are at a loss and are finding themselves struggling to cling to any assimilation of control they can find during and as a result of these demonstrations.

I am tired of feeling the need to label this movement, it is made-up of people – all different – but, all with a voice.  For as long as I can tell, throughout history, we have lived with the deception of labels.   By doing this, people have suffered while living with the assumption of someone else having the control or power over their lives.  Because individuals have been allowed to label other people as they see fit, this allows for an assumption of authority, which has made it difficult for those “other” people to reach the same level of influence as the people who are falsely regarded to be in control.  Also, by living in a system which allows only the intellectual elites who are afforded the opportunity to pursue a quality education (or live a life of debt as a result of it) and by categorizing people based on socioeconomic influence, their race, gender or ethnicity, we truly hold back the voices of people who still have experiences, insight or knowledge to share with others.

For once I would like to see our lives lived without the added oppression of labels, right now while we join together, we don’t need to limit each other’s potential with these inaccurate terms of convenience.  What we truly need is dialogue and this is where the beauty of Occupy Wall Street and of the other Occupies around the world come in, this is a place where it doesn’t matter what you have been labeled within your society, you have a place to speak and to honestly be heard.   Then naturally, as time goes by and after we have had a chance to express our grievances with the comfort of knowing that we have been heard since we are truly listening to each other, and when we are finally equals in each other’s eyes without the man-made limitations of race, gender, nationality, and class – we can then hopefully begin building the platform needed for a movement unlike any other we have experienced before.
I have lived with your labels for too long – leave this moment alone and let it grow as it should - without hatred, prejudice, and with an open heart.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Mentors Apply Here!

    I want a Master's Degree! I know I do and I know I will someday be holding that piece of paper which will somehow make me feel...umm, complete?

    Actually, my goal with this degree is to be able spend my life "paying-it-forward" while at the same time enjoying the joy and benefit of getting myself out of this position of being financially dependent on these goverment programs that help me.  Pride is a silly little thing - when receiving "aid" sometimes I get to a point where I want to scream, "Enough!  It's my turn to help others!" or there are times when I find myself having to accept being treated as non-human and bite-my-tongue while reminding myself that this is just a temporary state of existence.

    As I work towards my educational goals, I just need to stop feeling like I am stumbling around in the dark.  Therefore, I am currently taking applications for mentors - people who have experienced the process of obtaining a Graduate Degree and are willing to work for minimal pay - well, actually your pay will be the satisfaction of knowing you have helped a person work her way out of a socially and economically disadvantaged position. :) 

    So, if you are actually wondering if you qualify to be my mentor or have any advice to share, I will let you know that I am currently working on finishing my undergraduate degree in Women's and Gender Studies with a minor in Psychology and Political Science.  While working to stay focused on my goal of someday helping others, I am looking at obtaining a Masters Degree in (International) Human Rights. 

    My interests include the development of educational opportunities for women and minorities both locally and internationally.  Education is an incredible opportunity which should be afforded for all that have the desire to learn and to better themselves - without education poverty will prevail and the division between the poor and wealthy will continue to increase.

Rosie the Riveter

Monday, May 9, 2011


The God Loving Slut deep within me is proud that people are claiming this demeaning word and taking it apart and smashing it into the ground.
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Friday, April 29, 2011

WGS 310 - week 15

I really wish there was a grading scale which would take into account life experiences and how we get through them. If this were the case, then I would have no problem telling you that I deserve an A+ in perseverance. But, unfortunately this isn’t what you are asking for with this assignment. I am honestly happy with my current grade of B+ and the only disappointment I have this semester was my inability to do A+ work.

My challenges have included the normal things such as sickness, ER visits, and my daughters cat dying, etc. But, my struggles started when my kids and I moved here in September and the challenge it has been to get our lives together again. I am without the great support network of friends and as a result of the move, I lost my financial assistance for childcare. I knew the childcare would be an issue when I moved – but, I seriously underestimated the stress it would cause while I tried to get my school work done. School closings, school delays, days off for this and that…Ugh!! Just thinking about it- is stressing me out. But, my biggest disappointed this semester happened last Friday when I missed class! My children had the day off school for Good Friday and I was without gas and any money (even my change jar is empty). I had just planned on walking to class with my children, when that morning it looked was going to rain!!!  I felt guilty and disappointed for missing class - but, I also knew I needed to keep my children from walking to school in the rain. I think it’s strange how my children are my biggest motivation to finish school – yet, they are part of the biggest obstacle!

But, I know I have gone through worse things in my life and realize this stage of my life will pass like all the other struggles I have had. I am sorry that I missed a few blog postings and had a hard time keeping-up with assignments. I would say that this class has been a wonderful experience and I appreciate learning about all these great women and what they have had to go through in their lives. Knowing that as women and part of humanity, we all really have this shared will to do better and even though we all have our own obstacles to overcome just makes the ride not seem so lonely.